The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
