Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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