so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
