my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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