i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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