Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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