Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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