dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
