I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
