my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you inspire me to be a worse person
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
