hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
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She tied me up with her honor cords...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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