I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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