You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
