So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
