somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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