I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
