I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
