i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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