somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
