When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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