I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
