my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
