I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
