got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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