He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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