when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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