I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I fill condoms, not promises.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
