Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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