i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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