i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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