Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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