3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
