I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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