I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
