Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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