and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
