if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
