Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
