I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
