I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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