there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
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Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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