So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
