anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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