First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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