Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
