bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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