I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
