Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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