i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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