I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
