dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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