SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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