so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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