in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
