i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i think my cat just said my name.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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